i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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