can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
