um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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