2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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