accomplished twins. life is a go
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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