Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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