fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
