i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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