We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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