i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
