if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
