I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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