We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I touched a dick in church today
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
