i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
