yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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