Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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