I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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