I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
