Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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