12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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