literally had 100 drinks last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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