actually, I'm a sock model
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
