Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
