Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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