we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
