i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
