So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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