Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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