My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
