cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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