i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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