im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
