Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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