don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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