I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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