My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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