i always forget guys have bellybuttons
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
