Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
