i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
