Where is the hickey?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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