I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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