Already got asked if we're dating
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Damn victory sex feels great
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
