If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
