I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
