if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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