I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
