When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
