Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
