i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
