hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
